Happened over the Weekend.

A bunch of great shit happened:

First – another jab at Live Nation:

Trying to Sign These Guys to a Live Nation 360 Deal… Farmer’s Market Family Dancers / Jakenjake.com / Jake Schneider, May 9, 2009

Second – Obama delivers a hilarious speech at the White House Correspondants’ Association  Dinner:

Obama doesn’t spare himself in comedy turn / CNN.com / May 10, 2009

Third – I nearly pissed myself watching the Motherlover skit on Saturday Night Live – great way to salute our Moms!

Digital Short: Motherlover

(This is the link to the video – NBC tried to make it impossible to embed videos into your own blog)

Lastly – My own mother received 2 individually sized apple pies on Mother’s Day!  Great work, loyal readers, great work!  I, in predictable fashion, got stoned and ate one before returning to Lincoln Park at the close of our Mother’s Day celebration.  Whoops.

Individual Apple Pie

Yo Momma.

It’s mother’s day, so I’m throwing down ten reasons why my mom is better than your mom.

When I was a wee one, my mom allowed me to walk around on a summer day wearing a large, furry, pink winter jacket.  She has allowed me individuality.

My parents got divorced and some shit went down.  For some months, my mom made it her top priority to make sure my sister’s college education was paid for – it was kind nasty and hard, but she got it all down.  This made me really proud of her.

I like to taunt her with things I want.  For instance, for about a month before Christmas, everyday I would send her multiple messages (texts, emails, PowerPoint presentations) trying to get her to buy me a puggle and give it to me on Christmas morning.

Once I got a little too drunk and threw a frozen pizza at my boyfriend and was really sad so my mom came and picked me up from Lincoln Park and brought me to Beverly at 2 in the morning.  That was nice.

She has a pimped out house (major upgrades were made upon both children moving out).  But I get to go there and chill on the porch in the summer, smoke a doob, watch mom garden.  Good times.  She’ll usually buy me and my boyfriend lunch.

On the morning of my birthday, I would wake up to the breakfast nook decorated with streamers and themed birthday party decorations.  My mom made my birthday every year very cool.  One year she turned our back porch into a 50s dinner.  It was raw.

She claims she wiped my ass a lot.

My mom bails me out of stupid shit a lot.  Like when I don’t have enough money for my security deposit, she’ll hook it up.

I did not get in trouble for leaving the bong that my sister got me for Christmas on the living room table on Christmas Eve – allowing for mom to wake up to a bong on her coffee table on Christmas morning.  I didn’t get yelled at – thanks, mom.

Montag Christmas 2008

She introduced me to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs (in burns, not mixed in with the mac) on Halloween.  It’s really, REALLY good!

Thanks for hookin’ it up mom!  Happy Mother’s Day!

19 Reasons I don’t go to Beverly.

Call from Mom: I need you to come home and go grocery shopping because I’m sick.

Text to Mom from Ali: Fine, make a list.

Ali gets home (aka to Beverly), is met with said list:

1.  I know my mom reads my blog, so I’d first like to make it clear that this is in no way making fun of the woman who bore me, rather, a tribute to the decisive, specific nature you reach once you get old-er.  My mom knows what she wants down to the circumference of her curds of cottage cheese.  I can’t wait until I can make decisions like that.

2. I’ve woken up to lists like this since I was about 9 and was allowed to cross Western Ave and go to County Fair (our local mom and pop grocery store) alone.  Seriously, in my teenage years I’d wake up to these lists, these “friendly reminders”, and would rip them up or leave them crumpled up near the toaster where they were left for me just to make a point.  Just hadn’t gotten one of these in a while, so I got a chuckle from this one over the weekend.

3.  Everyone should bring my mom an individual apple pie when you see her next.

4.  In all fairness to my mom, I haven’t been to Beverly in about a year without smoking a doob first, she also knows this and thinks that doob smoking is the lesser of the two evils when put against the binge drinking.    Shit, the bitch woke up to a bong in the middle of her living room on Christmas morning and took it with a grain of salt.  To her justification, she’s my mom and knows I’m a forgetful pothead, so she’s probably warranted in creating this list from the get-go.

5.  Mom, I love you.  Thanks for the blogging material.  You’re nearly as ridiculous as your “doper” daughter.